Saturday, March 14, 2009

Purging and cleansing

Today I spent time purging and cleaning out my scrapbook corner. It felt good to finally let go of some old papers and other embellishments that people have given me or that I've been hanging onto. Now I have a rather large pile in my closet of items that I hope to sell at the next paper garage sale that Treasury hosts. After doing this, I stood in the middle of my room, hands on hips, staring at my scrap space with a face of relief. I couldn't help but smile because it just felt good. It felt good to have some more room and not have to dig through items I was tired of seeing, to get to the good stuff. I faced those items I was tired of looking at today and got rid of them. I sat and reminisced about the day I received them. Some made me chuckle, some made me roll my eyes and there were a few that I had no idea how they got into my supply drawers.

Naturally, this has turned into a spiritual thing. I like it when this happens. As I was sitting on the floor going through things, I got a picture in my head of all the baggage I hold onto in my life. From my past, present and even baggage I've managed to create while thinking of my future! I reminisced of the time right before leaving for Guatemala and living in the J Street House. I was in such an amazing place with God. I had two roommates who were passionate for Jesus and that was flooding my heart. It was contagious! I had just broken through some painful things that had tied me down most of my life and I had felt a true freedom for the first time. It was so cool. Then I left for Guate... had some challenges but it was an amazing time that included more refinement. When I came home things were different which was to be expected. People had changed, households had changed. Friends were married, having babies, changing jobs, moving to different cities, attending different churches, involved with different activities. It was overwhelming. I experiences sadness, grief, happiness, excitement and many more emotions. It was extremely difficult. It was starting all over even though most of my relationships were with the same people. Life was still very different. I'm coming up on three years of being back home. I find it interesting that I was only gone for one year and I have been home a lot longer than when I was gone and even before I left... it was longer than a year. But it created this huge "before and after" moment for me. "Before Guate" and "After Guate".
Three years later and I look back to three years of getting back into a deep relationship with Jesus. I had a wall built for quite some time. There were moments of break through but when change came again, that wall would go back up. I feel that wall breaking down again. I'm purging and cleaning myself. Letting some things go that had built up these past three years. Things people had put into my brain, things I had brought upon myself, circumstances out of my control but I hadn't given them over to God. All these I'm cleaning out. Thankfully, I don't need to find a spot to store them in my closet and sell at a garage sale. They go directly to the One who can handle the weight of it all. It's like holding a feather to Him.
Cleansing my life once again. Thinking of ways that God is working in me now. Ways He is drawing me closer to Him now. I sure miss a lot of the ways of my life before Guate. At times it makes me sad that those days are over but at least there is fondness in my heart when I think of those times. The people... the environment... Oh so many good things. Vision I had. Desires to serve and go. Asking to be sent.
So instead of whining about not being in that exact place anymore, I rejoice in this moment of "purging" and "cleansing". Looking forward to vision and mobilizing it. Not being afraid. Standing firm and being bold. Relying on the strength and wisdom that God grants me. Relying on His timing.
Yep, it feels good to do this. I should purge more often.

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